Learning to be OK with Uncertainty

A recent journal page with watercolor and colored pencil.

If you lived with me, I might drive you crazy. I am one of those people who have to put their car keys away in the same place every time, otherwise I’ll never be able to find them when it’s time to leave for work. Really–the same exact place. Every single time.

It can be a bit much.

It’s not just the car keys, either. It’s my purse, my phone, my iPod, my ID badge for work, the TV remote. I was even that way about the speed and extent of my recovery from brain surgery until my neurosurgeon set me straight: “You’re not the only one in charge here,” he said kindly. Yet uncertainty is difficult to deal with, and I attempt to remove as much of it from my life as I can. I am sure I can seem like a control freak to my family.

Of course, it gets more complicated when it comes to art. If you look at my earliest collages, you get a sense that I am an artist exercising control. I’ve put each piece in it’s place; I remember one time that I spent about 20 minutes trying to decide if a certain paper would look better in the composition with a torn or cut edge.

But true art doesn’t flourish under the constraints of control alone, and I have made an effort to welcome unplanned and unpredictable elements into my work. As I work on my drawing exercises, I try to welcome unintended pencils marks instead of automatically reaching for the eraser. There is room for discipline, but there should be freedom, too.

I say that because I have learned that capturing spontaneity in artwork is what gives it meaning. It gives energy, emotion, and power to the finished piece. In my case, the finished piece may not have been what I intended–but then, was my intention just to make a pretty picture or was it to create something that makes someone think or feel when they look at it? And what about the fact that while looking for the camera battery charger last week (which was not put away in the right place) I found the iPod case I had been trying to find for months? Wasn’t that an unplanned and unpredicted bit of luck?

I am going to continue practicing giving up control in my art. Maybe, if I get the hang of it, I can start introducing that idea to the rest of my life.

More drawing exercises. Wherever the pencil went, I just tried to "make it work."

Those paint splatters were a bit more uncontrolled than I wanted!

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