Feeling Lucky

When I sit and quietly work in my journal, I can be present to the truth.

There are mornings when I forget.  I wake up without my constant struggles–like to walk and to balance–on my mind. But then I move to sit up and swing my legs over the edge of the bed, and the clumsy response of my body is a crushing blow.

All the frustration comes rushing back as I stumble out of the bedroom.

What am I now? Sometimes I can only think of what I am not: I am not the girl who used to get up early on the weekends, walk three miles to Starbucks, then relax with a new novel and my coffee. And I am not the girl who used to run 10 miles a week and loved it. And I am definitely not the girl people would look at and say, “You’re a lot stronger than you look,” when I’d carry a box or move a recliner.

That’s not me any more. Now I am a person who left behind all grace and dignity as I clawed my way out of the black hole that this brain tumor shoved me into. I know I am lucky to be alive; I have gained back many more abilities than the doctors ever thought I would. But sometimes, I get tired of being thankful.

Sometimes, I get tired of everything being an effort. I think of having to make that effort every single day for the rest of my life and I am overwhelmed with exhaustion by the thought. And then I think about how my type of tumor could come back at any time without warning, and the next time it could kill me.

That’s when I realize that being exhausted by life is a privilege.

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4 thoughts on “Feeling Lucky

  1. Laura, thank you for being open and saying exactly how I feel…sometimes, I’m not thankful the chemo & radiation worked. I miss who I was, too.

    You are someone we admire because you are a survivor and I, for one, know it’s not that easy and that every doctor “check-up” is something to face with anxiety. I also know that when I was so sick, you had thoughts to share that made my journey easier. The first was that it was OK to not feel guilty because I sometimes wake up not “just being grateful to be alive.”

    Love the art.
    Michelle

    • Thanks for coming by, Michelle! I wish we had not purchased the knowledge that it is better to be honest with yourself at so high a price. All we can do now is share it with anyone that will listen!

  2. Laura, I never look at my Linked In account. I am too poorly organzed, too lazy, too busy or some other “too.” Regardless, I tend to ignore my Linked In updates. Today I looked at them and saw your essay about “lucky.” I am so moved to have a deeper appreciation for your daily struggle. I really did not fully understand your situation…you always have such a sunny disposition and are so (it appears to me!) unstoppable, that I have always just kind of assumed your post-surgery recovery has gone extremely well. Thank you for the reminder to appreciate what we have, whatever it may bee. — Bill Satterwhite

    • Hi Bill! Thanks for visiting–I hope you are well! My recovery is moving along just fine, but there are those days when… ah, you know. I also publish updates to Facebook so you can find me there, too. Stop by again! I am so glad you did!

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