The Balancing Act

Beauty of the sunlight falling on a tall vase of red and white carnations and green leaves on the altar in the novitiate chapel. … The “simplicity” that would have kept those flowers off the altar is, to my mind, less simple than the simplicity that enjoys them there but does not need them to be there.” –Thomas Merton

"Lifted," a journal page I completed August 18, 2011.

It seems that ever since my brain surgery I am caught between pretending and pity. Years later, I am still trying to find a balance between the two.

On any given day, I am probably pretending that everything is OK and that all the changes to my body and mind–and all the challenges added to each daily task–aren’t too much for me to handle. I let people think that I can take it all in stride.

Of course, it’s hard to keep up that kind of pretending–but what’s the alternative? Pity. As soon as I admit that there are things I cannot do, or even go so far as to confess that there are parts of my previous life that I’ve totally given up, people look at me differently. Even if they try to hide it, I can see the pity start to creep into the corners of their eyes.

Once I’ve been honest, people feel badly for me and wonder what my life must be like. They imagine what it might feel like to be me.

And suddenly, although all I’ve done is explained why I was too slow to catch an elevator or clumsily knocked over a coffee cup, I have reminded them of the brutal truth of how fragile our bodies can be. I have made them think of their own mortality.

So it’s no wonder they distance me with pity. The truth is hard for me to take, too. I’d much rather pretend. For as long as I can.

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